20 Jul Conflict is the Question, Wholeness is the Answer
Our Subscriber’s Money Management Question*
My biggest hurdle of late has been working with my partner on money management and remaining in flow.
It is hard enough to work together and plan. And then add the difficulty of us both being in flow with money.
It has really gotten me off-kilter because my negative money qualities get exacerbated by his and vice versa.
It’s noteworthy that this great question is common to many couples–if they are conscious enough to even realize it!
Our subscriber also talks about something that shows she’s familiar with the language of money coaching we offer: negative money qualities. She’s referring to the different “voices” in our heads that we hear speaking about money, if we listen. Many of them are negative, but never all of them! Each voice has an archetypal name: The Fool, The Martyr, the Victim are some of the negative ones. The positives ones are The Warrior, The Creator/Artist, and The Magician. You can find out more about all of them here.
To Gain Peaceful Money Management, Look at the Structure of the Question
Let’s first emphasize that what’s striking about this pair’s problem is that it is structured in pairs.
- flow vs. planning
- my negative money qualities vs. my partner’s negative money qualities.
Moreover, you can break it even further into pairs: my negative money qualities vs. my ability to plan/my partner’s ability to plan, AND vs.my flow with money–and my partner’s flow with money. Likewise, we can consider part of the conflict as my partner’s negative money qualities vs. their ability to plan–and mine; and vs. their flow with money–and mine.
While you could see these as conflicts or dualities, “pairs” shows us they are two halves of a whole.
Find Money Peace in the Structure
Thus what makes this appearance of pairs so striking is that the solution to the problem is to see the pairs as halves of a wholeness that has gone unnoticed:
- flow and planning constitute a ∞: to have abundance you need both flow and planning
- we are in flow with each other, my partner and I, including when we are in conflict: conflict is an important part of our journey together, not a distraction from the journey
- all my money qualities are in a healing relationship to all my partner’s money qualities: my money qualities, positive and negative, are here to help my partner heal. The same is true of me. Positive qualities are usually directly healing. Negative qualities are usually triggering of healing.
Change the Way You Use the Structure to Receive the Peace
Although it may sound like some lovely idiotic story that we are here to heal and to help each other heal, it’s important to understand that this is the most truthful, efficient solution to the problem.
If we see mutual healing as one of the main reasons we are together as a couple, then we have
- more fuel for the journey to peace with money
- more patience and kindness toward yourself and your beloved partner
- money as part of your journey together
- gives you a researcher’s permission to
- make mistakes
- get it right
- share joy when you get it right
- try new things
- get angry less often
- change your default
- set aside small, manageable amounts of time, space, energy and money to
- make agreements
- mess up agreements
- try new agreements
- journal in self-exploration
- share your journalling
- read this book together (written by the person who invented moneycoaching, and certified me as a coach), and
- do all of that many times over
until your old challenges are solved, you have much more money, time, energy and space–and new challenges arise because of it!
*Today’s great question was submitted by a subscriber. I’m grateful to blog answers to questions from our subscribers, and proud to reward them for fruitful questions with free coaching. So maybe you should subscribe?!