02 Aug How to Cultivate a Habit: A Foolproof Practice
How to cultivate a habit? This post is for my soul-colleague J, whom I hope enjoys visual puns. Image of a young woman modeling a habit by post-Civil-War photograph Fitz W. Guerin from the Library of Congress, found on Wikimedia Commons.
Here is how to cultivate a habit
1. Pick one habit.
a. Commit to self-awareness as part of this practice.
If you secretly hate self-awareness and just want to beat the new habit into your life, don’t do this practice. James Clear’s Atomic Habits won’t be masochistic enough for you either but it might be the alternative approach you’re needing.
2. Identify a workable time to actually do your habit.
This foolproof practice works for both daily and weekly habits as long as you set a workable time to do your habit. (Ask me about other kinds of habits in a comment.) You must set a time for a daily habit, and a day of the week plus a time on that day for a weekly habit.
a. “Stacking” a new habit onto an existing habit works well.
Stacking is also what I call “creating a pattern” in this blog post with its accompanying tiny, useful, explanatory video. Check it out if the idea of stacking your new habit onto an existing habit appeals to you.
3. Begin doing your new habit at your chosen time. Remember the magic secret: Underpromise, overdeliver.
Do your one new habit one time per day (or week) at the time (and on the day) you chose. You are training a muscle, not running a marathon. You are keeping yourself accountable to something manageable that will build up that muscle.
4A. Result, after one week (for a daily habit) or one month (for a weekly habit): New habit cultivated? Success! You’re done.
Now, and only now, it is ok to build in your second new habit if you have one.
It’s also ok to just enjoy your new habit!
4B. Result, after one week or month: New habit cultivated? Not so much! Self-awareness cultivated? Success!
a. This is where your commitment to self-awareness is paramount.
Use whatever self-awareness you have as a result of doing steps 1-3 for a week (or a month) to tweak and fix your problem. Be honest. Look clearly—and that means also look compassionately or you’ll miss the crucial information you need to cultivate your chosen habit.
b. Work it!
Work your self-awareness! And when you’ve figured out your problem using your beautiful self-awareness, just start over. Return to steps 1-3. It’s only been a short while! No problem.
4C. Result, after one week/month: New habit cultivated? Not so much! Self-awareness? Not so much! Two possibilities:
a. You don’t actually care about building this new habit into your life. Let it go!
Maybe someone told you this habit was important. Maybe even someone you trust. Don’t value their opinion over your own needs and experience. Let it go!
Or maybe someone you want to be like does this habit and you think doing it will give you their life. Again, this is why your commitment to self-awareness is paramount: There is nothing wrong with you.
Wanting to be like someone you think has a better life than you won’t work to cultivate a new habit using this practice. That’s because the desire for your new habit has to be more powerful than the obstacles you’ve encountered doing steps 1-3. Your desire for the new habit has to be rooted in your deep self or you’ll wear yourself out trying to force it into your life.
b. You care deeply about this new habit. And you set a workable time for your new habit. But your self-awareness is not giving you a way to tweak and fix your problem as described in 4B.
I can help! We will use the results of your practice so far, so please book a meeting with me only after you have done all the steps up to this point. Our meeting is free of charge because it’s exploratory for both of us, to find out if we will enjoy working together helping you cultivate this habit.
If, for whatever reason, you don’t want to meet with me to learn how I can help you, here’s what I suggest: after you have done all the steps up to this point in the practice, please make self-awareness while cultivating your new habit, your new habit. Make self-awareness about what’s going on as you go about steps 1-3 your new focus. Very good information will be revealed to you as you pay attention to whatever this practice is bringing up in you. Use what you learn about yourself through this self-awareness, and then start over. (One more time, this is why your commitment to self-awareness as part of the gifts of this practice is so important.)
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